we all know this pain all too well
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Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days