My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
School be like
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life