“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.