[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder