If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins