My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
You Might Also Like
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it