are there any atheist mantises?
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?