Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.