“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I saw nothing
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.