I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My wedding will be open casket.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel