To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
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My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.