Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Respect
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.