you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.