you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Saturday
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…