I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
kids play hide and seek like
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Fidel Castro was alive?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.