If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Woke up against my better judgment again
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
wow
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.