My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Every. Damn. Time.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.