Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Look at this
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM