I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day