Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?