wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
mariah carrie
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Not even remotely sorry.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
why I oughta
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”