Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
You Might Also Like
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”