Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor