馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
This day in history. 1881. A man in Gro脽liebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[ first date ]
me: i鈥檇 like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Man Who Didn鈥檛 Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If you鈥檙e planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don鈥檛.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.