Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.