Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN