“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
🤔😂😂
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.