CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
When I snag the last meatball.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp