Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots