Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I need this for my side hustle.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.