I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.