Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
You Might Also Like
This is hilarious….
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Cat.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”