*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
no one ever comes back
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
doing your own taxes
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.