Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.