16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me