“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
You can’t outrun your problems…
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this