Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?