YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Cinematography is my passion
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?