One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre