Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Batman v Dracula
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.