13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
brian had himself a morning…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.