My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.