Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Tremendous stuff
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun