[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.