[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”