Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Baller is short for ballerina
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Natural selection at its finest
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
do horses think humans are hats
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”