[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
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I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie