Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I need better friends
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Put this video in the Louvre
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.