your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“our sushi is very fresh”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.