My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
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Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.